Parents can use the following strategies to deal with the challenges of raising
boys and to forge a closer and more successful relationship with their sons.
What we really want is for our boys to become strong, authentic individuals,
to become capable both of acting heroically and of maintaining strong affectionate
relationships to spouses, children, parents, co-workers, neighbors and friends.
1. It is important to spend at least 20 minutes giving my son my undivided
attention each day.--
Answer: TRUE
It is vital that you show your son on a consistent basis that you are emotionally
and physically available to him. He will learn to trust that you are there
for him and may be more willing to open up to you and discuss things that
are bothering him. This does not mean that if you travel, or are otherwise
unable to spend time with your son every day, that you will lose your connection
to him, but you should do your best to be consistent.
Those few minutes a day are best when they are spent together doing something
-- connection through action. This means that rather than nudging a boy to
sit down and share his feelings with us, we begin simply by joining him in
an activity that he enjoys. Often simply by doing something with the boy --
playing a game with him, joining him for a duet on the piano, taking him to
an amusement park -- we forge a connection that then enables him to open up.
In the middle of the game, the duet, the Ferris wheel ride, a boy may often
feel close and safe enough to share the feelings he’d otherwise like
to keep hidden.
Even at a very young age, boys may show their love not so much with words
but with action. Boys are more likely to connect with adults when they are
engaged in meaningful and relevant activities -- things they enjoy doing.
Once they feel that they are sharing a pleasant experience with you, this
will open the door for a wide variety of discussions, which can center around
your shared activities. As your mutual trust level increases, you can broach
other topics that are harder to discuss.
2. Boys often hide their feelings behind a mask of indifference. --
Answer: TRUE
Often it is what your son doesn't say that will give you a greater insight
into what he is feeling. Look for the emotions that your son is hiding, and
what behaviors he is displaying. Try to get behind his mask. If you son believes
that you really do understand what it's like for him within male peer culture
-- that you understand the ways he can get teased and mistreated for breaking
the old "Boy Code" -- he'll be more open to learning the empathy
and other emotional skills you're probably eager to impart to him.
There are many ways that we can learn to understand a boy’s deepest
feelings and experience, to come to know who he really is, and to help him
love and feel comfortable with his genuine self. Learn how to accept a boy’s
own emotional schedule. Boys who do share their feelings often take longer
to do so than girls do. Whereas a girl might share her feelings as soon as
she is asked what is wrong, a boy will often refuse (or ignore us) the first
time he’s approached. We have to learn how to give the boy the time he
needs and how to recognize in his words and actions the signals that he is
ready to talk. A boy’s need to be silent -- and then his subsequent readiness
to share what he is feeling -- is what we will call the timed silence syndrome.
It’s the boy who usually needs to set the clock himself -- to determine
how much time he needs to remain silent before opening up to share his feelings.
If we learn to become sensitive to each boy’s unique timing, we become
better at respecting how he copes with emotions and make it more possible
for him to be honest about the feelings behind the mask.
3. It is not appropriate for my son to see me crying. --
Answer: FALSE
When you model a range of emotions to your son (whether you are male or female)
you are showing him through your actions that emotions are acceptable. We
can often help boys take off their masks by telling them stories about our
own experiences. We can tell them our "war stories" about when we
were young and had to deal with life’s ups and downs, or we can share
recent experiences that challenged us. Even if our boy groans or rolls his
eyes when we begin to share our story, he almost always benefits from the
empathy that telling the story inevitably conveys. By discovering that, yes,
we have felt scared, embarrassed, or disappointed, the boy begins to feel
less ashamed of his own vulnerable feelings. He feels our empathy and discovers
that we understand, love and respect the real boy in him.
Research has shown that at birth, and for several months afterward, male infants
are actually more emotionally expressive than female babies. By the time boys
reach elementary school much of their emotional expressiveness has been lost
or gone underground. How you treat a boy has a powerful impact on who he becomes.
He is as much a product of nurturing as he is of nature. If we want boys to
become more empathic, we must be more empathic towards them. Many parents
have asked what triggers this remarkable transformation of boys showing less
emotion. Recent research points to two primary causes for this change, and
both of them grow out of assumptions about and attitudes toward boys that
are deeply ingrained in the codes of our society. The first reason is the
use of shame in the toughening-up process by which it's assumed boys need
to be raised. Little boys are made to feel ashamed of their feelings, guilty
about feelings of weakness, vulnerability, fear and despair. The second reason
is the separation process as it applies to boys, the emphasis society places
on a boy's separating emotionally from his mother at an unnecessarily early
age, usually by the time boys are six and then again in adolescence.
4. If I get too close to my son he will become a sissy. --
Answer: FALSE
Years of psychological research confirm what we all know -- that the more
love small children receive from their parents, the more confidence they gain
in themselves as individuals. A mother's love can help a boy become more self-reliant
and more adventurous. Far from making boys weaker, the love of a mother can
and does actually make boys stronger, emotionally and psychologically. Far
from making boys dependent, the base of safety a loving mother can create
-- a connection that her son can rely on all his life -- provides a boy with
the courage to explore the outside world. But most important, far from making
a boy act in "girl-like" ways, a loving mother actually plays an
integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity -- the self-esteem
and strength of character he needs to feel confident in his own masculine
self.
Interactions between fathers and sons are, as we know, crucially important
in a boy's life, but they don't always look the same as between mother and
son. Fathers tend to develop their own loving style of teaching, guiding and
playing with their boys. For many fathers, this new type of generative, nurturant
fathering feels confusing. That is OK. Fathers provide a flexible surface
for their sons to bounce off, a play space with elastic but firm limits, a
secure sense of love expressed not just in words but also through actions.
Fathers can neutralize their son's rebelliousness and teach boys (and often
mothers too) an action-oriented language of fatherly love.
There is not one single healthy path to mature masculinity. Boys' self-esteem
-- which is, of course, as essential to their emotional growth and academic
achievement as it is to girls -- is dependent not upon macho displays of competitive
aggression, but on having their "real" voices heard and genuine
selves responded to with deep understanding. Habits of thought in society
confuse us into imagining that close relationships are not central to boys'
normal growth and development, and that a boy's only possible path to healthy
adult masculinity is through self-reliance, autonomy and solitude.
5. My son will tell me if he wants to be closer emotionally. --
Answer: FALSE
The early ability to "attach" -- in the terminology of psychologists
-- refers to a child's capacity to develop intimate, powerful emotional bonds
to others, such as his mother and father and his peers. Research shows that
boys have this ability as much as girls do, yet their typical attachment styles
often differ from those of girls. On the whole, boys tend to seek attachment
less through asking for it directly and more by trying to bring it about indirectly
or through action. The fact is that boys experience deep subliminal yearnings
for connection -- a hidden yearning for relationship -- that makes them long
to be close to parents, teachers, coaches, friends and family. Boys are full
of love and empathy for others and long to stay "attached" to their
parents and closest mentors. These yearnings, in turn, can empower parents
and professionals to become more deeply connected to the boys in their lives.
Parents need to follow their instincts about their son's need for love and
nurturing. Mothers and fathers need to feel secure that there is no such thing
as giving their son too much love. Within appropriate limits, you will never
spoil a boy by showing him affection or by providing him with the freedom
to follow his own path.
6. Most boys are just fine and don’t have problems that need adult
involvement. --
Trick question: TRUE and FALSE
Yes, this was a bit of a trick question. Most boys do seem fine. They have
friends, are involved in school and don’t make a lot of trouble for the
teachers. Sadly, what seems fine could in fact be a boy who is successful
at masking his feelings. The challenge we, as adults, face is to be able to
understand the difference. The parents of school-yard murders Dylan Kleibold
and Andy Williams thought their sons were "doing all right."
The starting place for parents -- as well as for teachers and other mentors
for our boys -- is to become sensitive to the early signs of masking feelings.
These signs include everything from bad grades to rowdy behavior, from "seeming
quiet" to manifesting symptoms of depression, from using drugs or alcohol
to becoming a perpetrator or victim of violence; and sometimes, the mask may
accompany the mantra that "everything is fine." The power of love
can dispel the myth that, in boys, nature and nurture are at odds, or indeed,
have distinct separate influences on a boy and his life. The way we interact
with boys, and the connections we make with them, can have a permanent effect
on a boy's brain, and his social behavior. Scientists have found that early
emotional interaction can actually alter a boy's brain-based biological processes.
7. The "Boys Code" impacts all boys. --
Answer: TRUE
The "Boy Code" is so strong,
yet so subtle, in its influence that many boys may not know they are living
their lives in accordance with it. It's just about impossible to conquer any
problem if it is never discussed. So talk openly about the Boy Code with your
son. Tell him what you like and don't like about it. Discuss the new double
standard of masculinity that calls on boys to be "nice guys," but
then pushes them to act like "toughies." Tell your boy about the
bind that places you in as a parent. Explain how much you'd like him to become
an empathic, caring man, but also be sure to discuss what you know about the
"real world," and share with him how hard a place you know it can
be.
8. It is important to expose my son to different role models of masculinity.
--
Answer: TRUE
When boys act in less than conventionally "masculine" ways, their
peers -- both boys and girls -- can be quick to tighten the laces on their
gender straitjackets. Some parents, teachers, coaches and other mentors also
act in ways that reinforce society's myths about masculinity by letting boys
know when they are violating the Boy Code.
We need to develop a new code for real boys, gender-informed schools and a
more gender-savvy society where both boys and girls are drawn out to be themselves.
When you give your son a sense that there is no one single way of being "manly,"
you're helping him develop confidence about who he really is. You're letting
him know that no matter what he enjoys doing, whom he likes spending time
with, and what sorts of feelings he experiences, he's a "real boy"
on his way to being a "real man." Expose boys to people who bend
society's strict gender roles. Boys especially benefit from getting to know
male "role models" who exude masculinity in a genuine and expansive
way.
9. Boys need adults who will be advocates for them. --
Answer:TRUE
Though boys may exhibit bravado and braggadocio, they find it more difficult
to express their genuine selves even in private, with friends and family.
Their voices, as loud and forceful as they may sound, may not reveal what
is really in their hearts and souls. Instead, most boys -- whether in public
or private – tend to act confident and contented, and even brag about
their abilities. While we may joke about how adult males won’t ask for
directions when they are lost, it is no laughing matter that so many of our
boys feel they can’t reach out for the emotional compass they so desperately
need.
There is much we can do to support and connect with our boys. We can become
aware of the boy stereotypes even the best of us carry in our minds, and consciously
work to eliminate them from society, from our thinking and our language. We
can learn to recognize the words that boys use when something is troubling
them but they feel they can’t talk about it -- the "I’m fine"
that actually means things are really not fine. We can learn how to get our
sons to talk, without demanding or pressuring them to, by finding the safe
spaces that will allow them to open up and express themselves: We can better
anticipate the situations that might cause the feelings of vulnerability and
fear -- the first day of school, the big test, the gym class, the school trip,
the illness of a friend, the move to a new place, the doctor’s appointment
-- and find ways that will prepare a boy for them in advance, and allow him
to talk about them after the fact. Above all, we can begin to teach connection
as the basis of a new male model.
10. My son does not need a mentor, he has me. --
Answer: FALSE
Growing up as a boy brings its own special difficulties, but the good news
is that boys can and do overcome them when and if they feel connected to their
families, friends and communities. Many, if not most boys, maintain an inner
well-spring of connectedness, a resilience, that helps to sustain them. Sometimes
these affective ties are formed with special male friends -- boys "chumships."
Boys may also forge empathic and meaningful friendships with girls and young
women, relationships that are often platonic. This intense power to connect
to parents and others is part of the "potency of connection" that
needs to be at the heart of a revised real-boy code. Through the potency of
connection a boy can be helped to become himself, to grow into manhood in
his own individual way -- to be fully the "real boy" we know he
is.
However, many parents feel threatened when their son looks to another adult
for guidance and advice. Mentors can and should be an important part of raising
boys. Often it is the mentor to whom your son will really open up. Some schools
have formalized mentoring programs and assign to each boy an adult mentor
who is sensitive and empathic to that boy’s unique personality and interests.
For example, the mentor for a boy who loves sports might be one of the gym
teachers, whereas the mentor for the boy who loves poetry might be the English
teacher. By assigning a mentor whose interests mirror the interests of the
boy, the boy gains an adult friend with whom he can talk, somebody with whom
he might feel comfortable sharing his deepest feelings and thoughts. Get to
know your son’s mentor -- together you can help him develop a deeper
connection to himself and society.
